The Shrinkage Phenomenon: A Growing Epidemic

It was someone, I forget whom, that said global warming was a total fact and if you didn’t believe it, take a good look at the evolution of fashion in the past 50 years. It’s disappearing at a rapid rate, and something needs to be done!

I’m sure there are guys out there whimpering in protest, saying no! Keep it shrinking; we see nothing wrong with it. Did I say it was women’s’ clothing alone that is shrinking? No. Gentlemen, you are in just as much danger of this epidemic as we are and we’re generally not so keen on seeing as much as you are.

I first considered this when I sat in a diner for dinner the other night with my father during the first 90+-degree day of the summer. It was insufferably hot after a month of sixty-degree days, but fortunately the restaurant was air-conditioned. As we sat in our booth, enjoying salads and sandwiches, a couple in their late sixties came in and sat at the booth across from us. I kid not when I insist that the aging gentlemen was wearing severely cut off jean shorts—to the point of nearly seeing a turkey neck short—and a tank top that said “No Fat Chicks” on it, while the portly woman whom accompanied him (which I found slightly ironic) wore a cut off tank top (insert shudder here) and a jean skirt which I wouldn’t wish to see worn by even the tiniest of super models. It was so painful it was comical and it took even my best efforts to keep my eyes glued to my turkey club rather than the car crash sitting at the both beside us. If Versace were alive he’d want himself shot all over again.

You may contest that this one…unfortunate incident is isolated, and as any scientist and underpaid stoned out science teacher would contest that you need multiple instances of a singular result in order to form a proper theory. Agreed, so go to New York City in the summer and you’ll know shrinkage is not just for the older country couple. Everyone in summer is very close to losing it all…so to speak. It just seems that the elder country couple took a hint from the fashionistas and we all must suffer for it.

Here are a few more examples of the shrinkage phenomenon, with my thoughts:

Speedos. No one needs them besides Michael Phelps…oh wait! HE DOESN’T EVEN NEED THEM ANYMORE! STOP WEARING THEM! WE DON’T NEED TO SEE THE SHRINKAGE OF MR. HAPPY, TOO! Good Christ, I swear that the only people who wear them are fat fifty year olds, ugly Europeans, and fat and ugly fifty-year-old Europeans. It’s tragic. Also, I know bikinis have been big for some time, but even they have suffered due to the weather. Either that, or fabric has become a precious commodity. Ladies? If you have to root your bikini out of yourself—and I mean need an excavation crew with some C4 kind of rooting—constantly when you’re wearing it, it may be a sign of one or more of the following:

a)You’re single
b)You’ve gained a bit of weight since last summer and may need to take some time to get back to being the best you can look before attempting a beach expedition with that suit again.
c)It’s not your fault. Global warming is to blame.

Thongs. Oh lord. Skip the foreplay, guys and gals, and just go commando. I know many people just nickname them butt floss, which is pretty accurate, don’t get me wrong. But they kind of remind me of the arrows on airport runways. You know what I’m talking about? The kind that direct the pilot where to stick his machinery? Yeah, kind of like that, since it’s most likely with the girls who wear them that it’s a pretty accurate description…*looks around at the appalled faces* What?! Oh, don’t even try to tell me people who own thongs aren’t by probability sexually active, if not promiscuous! Now you’re just being naïve! On a related note, STOP BUYING THONGS FOR YOUR TWEENS! If you do, then make sure it’s an Everlast brand and has a padlock in the front.

Shrinkage, people, and it’s only getting worse. It’s absolutely terrifying when people are desperately clinging to the scraps of fabric that remain in the world that the fashion magnets distribute cynically to the masses. Perhaps they are testing us? Seeing how little fabric they need to use to make us happy? I didn’t realize we were rationing, but apparently we are. I’m clinging wholeheartedly to my long t-shirt and worn jeans in terror, hoping that they, too, will not be victimized.

Global warming is not a myth: fight the heat or soon we’ll all be naked and confused in some warped version of a worldwide morning after!