Friday, October 7, 2011
A Thought...
Why do some people believe that if a person works in the service industry, it gives them full right to treat these people like complete and total garbage? I don’t work here because I’m stupid, or lazy, or that I failed in some way. I’m here utilizing experience and education to help you, so why be rude and nasty to me when I’m being patient and friendly and helpful with you? It’s counterproductive and completely uncalled for, and—being that I’m contractually forced to simply take your raging, unintelligible abuses with a patient smile and a please-sir-may-I-have-another demeanor—I’m forced to merely dream of the day when we’re allowed shovels to hit you upside the head with.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Oh, you ARE kidding right?
www.sciencecodex.com/study_finds_young_men_more_vulnerable_to_relationship_ups_and_downs_than_women
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fuck You Anti-Artsy
Dear Art, English, Music and History Majors,
Please stop complaining about not having jobs. Your major only included about 60 credits and you
had time to go out on weekends. We're even.
Sincerely, A Physics Major.
My initial response:
Dear majors that aren't in the art field bitching about us,
You really think because you have 4 lab classes a semester and have to read text books fatter than your abnormally large head instead of getting do a keg stand with Freddy Fraternity over at the pig roast on Friday night that that entitles you to think lesser of us? Lemme tell ya what I did for my "slacker" degree senior year--
19 credits (that's over a full schedule of classes, but you're the "smart kids" so I figure you'd understand that), a full-time unpaid internship where I had to do all my regular duties of 10 hours a week photographing and then editing the results ad nauseum in the dark in addition to being a roadie, a stunt double, a nanny, a punching back, a prop, a tripod, and a muse to the people I worked for and did it all w/patient strength and pizazz. Also, I wrote a 32-page thesis of the cross-cultural archetypes within modern and classical mythologies and theologies with over 2 pages of--single spaced--BOOKS I used as significant references, none of which started with "Cliffnotes" or ended with "for Dummies". 32 pages not enough? Well, try doing that in addition to two major art exhibitions which you have to create, fund, prepare, cater, mount, and present on your own time and money (which these shows took up a significant amount of both). One of which was the second part of my thesis and the other was a highly competitive spot as the top artist at the school. Within days of the exhibit I also had to create a 30-minute professional presentation of my work in relation to the thesis for a panel of 5 professors and professional artists who will critique and decide whether I graduate. Oh, and I also directed, produced, cast, costumed, and set-designed/constructed a two act, 22-cast member play on top of it all, as well as write 6 plays of my own, 2 published essays, and made it out of my school career w/honors.
You want to complain about weekends? I didn't sleep for a semester, AND I didn't have weekends, but I still managed to retain a successful academic career and a social life throughout. Suck my balls "real world" students. Find someone else to cry to cuz you can't make it work, because I don't care.
Sincerely,
The Photographer w/Hypothetical Balls
PS: Next time you find yourself taking Facebook pictures w/your Nikon or Canon that you bought with the money you got from your passionless drone career, remember that doesn't make you a photographer. It makes you a fucking amateur idiot w/a nice camera. And take it off the Automatic setting, you jackass, you're an embarrassment to yourself and everything you "photograph".
Please stop complaining about not having jobs. Your major only included about 60 credits and you
had time to go out on weekends. We're even.
Sincerely, A Physics Major.
My initial response:
Dear majors that aren't in the art field bitching about us,
You really think because you have 4 lab classes a semester and have to read text books fatter than your abnormally large head instead of getting do a keg stand with Freddy Fraternity over at the pig roast on Friday night that that entitles you to think lesser of us? Lemme tell ya what I did for my "slacker" degree senior year--
19 credits (that's over a full schedule of classes, but you're the "smart kids" so I figure you'd understand that), a full-time unpaid internship where I had to do all my regular duties of 10 hours a week photographing and then editing the results ad nauseum in the dark in addition to being a roadie, a stunt double, a nanny, a punching back, a prop, a tripod, and a muse to the people I worked for and did it all w/patient strength and pizazz. Also, I wrote a 32-page thesis of the cross-cultural archetypes within modern and classical mythologies and theologies with over 2 pages of--single spaced--BOOKS I used as significant references, none of which started with "Cliffnotes" or ended with "for Dummies". 32 pages not enough? Well, try doing that in addition to two major art exhibitions which you have to create, fund, prepare, cater, mount, and present on your own time and money (which these shows took up a significant amount of both). One of which was the second part of my thesis and the other was a highly competitive spot as the top artist at the school. Within days of the exhibit I also had to create a 30-minute professional presentation of my work in relation to the thesis for a panel of 5 professors and professional artists who will critique and decide whether I graduate. Oh, and I also directed, produced, cast, costumed, and set-designed/constructed a two act, 22-cast member play on top of it all, as well as write 6 plays of my own, 2 published essays, and made it out of my school career w/honors.
You want to complain about weekends? I didn't sleep for a semester, AND I didn't have weekends, but I still managed to retain a successful academic career and a social life throughout. Suck my balls "real world" students. Find someone else to cry to cuz you can't make it work, because I don't care.
Sincerely,
The Photographer w/Hypothetical Balls
PS: Next time you find yourself taking Facebook pictures w/your Nikon or Canon that you bought with the money you got from your passionless drone career, remember that doesn't make you a photographer. It makes you a fucking amateur idiot w/a nice camera. And take it off the Automatic setting, you jackass, you're an embarrassment to yourself and everything you "photograph".
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Casual Sarcastic Quiz (Part One)
You're standing in your friendly neighborhood video store, carefully scanning the shelves for SOMETHING you haven't seen or that looks remotely interesting for you to watch when a woman and two children come in the door. The children are running rampant and the woman (presumably their mother/nanny/guardian) is calling them in a manner similar to how Tarzan gathers his animal friends for aid. One child obediently returns to the mother figure, when the other one doesn't listen, goes tearing down an aisle screaming at the top of his lungs "I WANT THUNDERPANTS!!!"
Question: What is Thunderpants?
a) A new superhero
b) A drunken sexual reference the child overheard from his father one night
c) A meteorological fashion trend that provides a significant amount of pain
d) A movie title
e) Who fucking cares, the child should be bound and gagged.
Question: What is Thunderpants?
a) A new superhero
b) A drunken sexual reference the child overheard from his father one night
c) A meteorological fashion trend that provides a significant amount of pain
d) A movie title
e) Who fucking cares, the child should be bound and gagged.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Conversations with my Father: Part One--the Driveway
"Thanks for the dinner and a movie, Dad."
"...Kate?"
"Hm?"
"It was a Blockbuster movie and McDonalds."
"..."
"...I wouldn't exactly say we splurged."
"No, I guess not."
"You feeling alright?"
"No, not really."
"Okay, just checking. Wanna talk?"
"No, not really."
"Okay."
"...Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"Do we have any Tums?"
"In the living room."
"We really know how to live it up don't we?"
"Yeah we do!" *high fives*
"...Kate?"
"Hm?"
"It was a Blockbuster movie and McDonalds."
"..."
"...I wouldn't exactly say we splurged."
"No, I guess not."
"You feeling alright?"
"No, not really."
"Okay, just checking. Wanna talk?"
"No, not really."
"Okay."
"...Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"Do we have any Tums?"
"In the living room."
"We really know how to live it up don't we?"
"Yeah we do!" *high fives*
Thursday, July 8, 2010
10 Odd Conditions of Summer
1. Pets Expand--I remember seeing a Grandmother-esque t-shirt which said "Cat Thermometer" and showed a cat expanding itself depending on the degree of heat. The other day I saw my cat sprawled on the bathroom tiled floor on her back, huge white belly straight up, and all four legs sprawled in four different directions as far as they would go. She looked like a dead possum. I tried it later that day to see if it would work. It was quite uncomfortable, unhelpful in cooling me down, and my mother--somehow missing the fact her youngest daughter was sprawled dramatically across the living room rug--tripped over me and accidentally kicked me in the head. Thanks, Pididdle. Not only am I not cooled off with your system, I also have a concussion.
2. Clothes shrink--I've ranted about this before, as some of you know. Global warming is a fact: the material is disappearing from the market. People are wearing less and less and getting away with it more and more. I remain stubborn and rebellious and wear long jeans all summer, but still retain the right to complain how hot it is. That's just how I roll.
3. Shoes melt--Really? Really, shoe companies? You haven't yet created a sustainable and cheap rubber that can survive more than 90 degree heat waves? Are you cheap or stupid? That's really the only options to explain this oversight. Although it does amuse me that Air Jordan Jr. pays $240 for a pair of sneakers and wakes up the day of a severe heat wave to find that they melt like butter. It makes the commerical snob in me giggle evilly.
4. Frying eggs on the sidewalk--What is the point? Who will eat these eggs? Did the chicks get aborted just so you could prove that it's hot as an ass-crack outside? That egg was for eating, not for meteorological statements. It's a waste of an aborted chicken. Eat the damn egg off the sidewalk or don't do it at all
5. Mind Melt--I remember being little and watching movies in my parents' room with my mother. She hated the heat almost as much as I do now and use to complain about everything being "too hot" to do. My personal favorites were "stop it! It's too hot to (sigh, breathe, laugh, sweat, scratch bug bites, cry, argue with your mother)!" On the opposite spectrum, heat can simply make people active but in the wrong ways. FACT: In New York in 1988, the temperature hovered above 90°F for 32 days. In that time, the murder rate increased by 75%. Figures.
6. Insane Driving--I'm thoroughly convinced that heat makes people insane. In the summer, drivers are entirely more reckless. There's also the highest level of DUI and DWI arrests in the summer months outside the holiday season. People want to go faster and preferably more shitfaced to more places in this span of time. Oh joy be for the commuter!
7. Neutral Weight Gain--I don't know about the lot of you, but something weird happens in the summer with me. I eat the same amount of food (if not more, considering grazing at picnics or parties) and yet I don't gain weight. What is my secret, you may ask? SWEATING BALLS BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE HAS NO CIRCULATION NOR AIR CONDITIONING.
8. Teenagers--They're everywhere, they're everywhere!
9. Shitty Epic Movies--It's summer, so Hollywood has the need to make more movies, and make them bigger, louder, and with less plot than ever! I think they know people are just paying the $10 for air conditioning and/or a place for them to mack with their significant other outside the glares of parental supervision. Goddamn teenagers, good thing I never was one. *sips Slurpee angrily*
10. Fiat Lux--The sun seems to never set anymore, and when it does we wish it wouldn't. Greedy fucks, now aren't we?
2. Clothes shrink--I've ranted about this before, as some of you know. Global warming is a fact: the material is disappearing from the market. People are wearing less and less and getting away with it more and more. I remain stubborn and rebellious and wear long jeans all summer, but still retain the right to complain how hot it is. That's just how I roll.
3. Shoes melt--Really? Really, shoe companies? You haven't yet created a sustainable and cheap rubber that can survive more than 90 degree heat waves? Are you cheap or stupid? That's really the only options to explain this oversight. Although it does amuse me that Air Jordan Jr. pays $240 for a pair of sneakers and wakes up the day of a severe heat wave to find that they melt like butter. It makes the commerical snob in me giggle evilly.
4. Frying eggs on the sidewalk--What is the point? Who will eat these eggs? Did the chicks get aborted just so you could prove that it's hot as an ass-crack outside? That egg was for eating, not for meteorological statements. It's a waste of an aborted chicken. Eat the damn egg off the sidewalk or don't do it at all
5. Mind Melt--I remember being little and watching movies in my parents' room with my mother. She hated the heat almost as much as I do now and use to complain about everything being "too hot" to do. My personal favorites were "stop it! It's too hot to (sigh, breathe, laugh, sweat, scratch bug bites, cry, argue with your mother)!" On the opposite spectrum, heat can simply make people active but in the wrong ways. FACT: In New York in 1988, the temperature hovered above 90°F for 32 days. In that time, the murder rate increased by 75%. Figures.
6. Insane Driving--I'm thoroughly convinced that heat makes people insane. In the summer, drivers are entirely more reckless. There's also the highest level of DUI and DWI arrests in the summer months outside the holiday season. People want to go faster and preferably more shitfaced to more places in this span of time. Oh joy be for the commuter!
7. Neutral Weight Gain--I don't know about the lot of you, but something weird happens in the summer with me. I eat the same amount of food (if not more, considering grazing at picnics or parties) and yet I don't gain weight. What is my secret, you may ask? SWEATING BALLS BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE HAS NO CIRCULATION NOR AIR CONDITIONING.
8. Teenagers--They're everywhere, they're everywhere!
9. Shitty Epic Movies--It's summer, so Hollywood has the need to make more movies, and make them bigger, louder, and with less plot than ever! I think they know people are just paying the $10 for air conditioning and/or a place for them to mack with their significant other outside the glares of parental supervision. Goddamn teenagers, good thing I never was one. *sips Slurpee angrily*
10. Fiat Lux--The sun seems to never set anymore, and when it does we wish it wouldn't. Greedy fucks, now aren't we?
Monday, June 28, 2010
BP Oil Spill and 2012
How can a country, nay--a world--function with so many rich morons running it? *shakes head slowly* I use to be cynical *insert shocked gasp* about 2012, but the more I see how things are progressing, the more I'm convinced we're all royally fucked.
For example:
The Sun: In two years, it's estimated that the sun will project severe solar flares that can very well knock out satellites and destroy communication, even power, around the world for a significant period of time. If this happens, I'm camping out for a couple years.
(http://www.upi.com/Science_News/2010/06/25/Report-Solar-flares-could-cripple-country/UPI-85501277486736/)
US vs. Eurasia: Enough said
BP Oil Spill: Dead birds, fish, and no more shrimp for the foreseeable future? FML.
And finally: http://www.palin4pres2012.com/
However, my dad had a most excellent point about the Mayan prediction for the end of the world being in 2012:
"The Mayans, huh? Alright, answer me this: if they knew so much, how come they didn't see the conquistadors coming? And for that matter, how come none of them are left? Hmm? HMMM?"
Touche, dad. Touche.
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