1. Pets Expand--I remember seeing a Grandmother-esque t-shirt which said "Cat Thermometer" and showed a cat expanding itself depending on the degree of heat. The other day I saw my cat sprawled on the bathroom tiled floor on her back, huge white belly straight up, and all four legs sprawled in four different directions as far as they would go. She looked like a dead possum. I tried it later that day to see if it would work. It was quite uncomfortable, unhelpful in cooling me down, and my mother--somehow missing the fact her youngest daughter was sprawled dramatically across the living room rug--tripped over me and accidentally kicked me in the head. Thanks, Pididdle. Not only am I not cooled off with your system, I also have a concussion.
2. Clothes shrink--I've ranted about this before, as some of you know. Global warming is a fact: the material is disappearing from the market. People are wearing less and less and getting away with it more and more. I remain stubborn and rebellious and wear long jeans all summer, but still retain the right to complain how hot it is. That's just how I roll.
3. Shoes melt--Really? Really, shoe companies? You haven't yet created a sustainable and cheap rubber that can survive more than 90 degree heat waves? Are you cheap or stupid? That's really the only options to explain this oversight. Although it does amuse me that Air Jordan Jr. pays $240 for a pair of sneakers and wakes up the day of a severe heat wave to find that they melt like butter. It makes the commerical snob in me giggle evilly.
4. Frying eggs on the sidewalk--What is the point? Who will eat these eggs? Did the chicks get aborted just so you could prove that it's hot as an ass-crack outside? That egg was for eating, not for meteorological statements. It's a waste of an aborted chicken. Eat the damn egg off the sidewalk or don't do it at all
5. Mind Melt--I remember being little and watching movies in my parents' room with my mother. She hated the heat almost as much as I do now and use to complain about everything being "too hot" to do. My personal favorites were "stop it! It's too hot to (sigh, breathe, laugh, sweat, scratch bug bites, cry, argue with your mother)!" On the opposite spectrum, heat can simply make people active but in the wrong ways. FACT: In New York in 1988, the temperature hovered above 90°F for 32 days. In that time, the murder rate increased by 75%. Figures.
6. Insane Driving--I'm thoroughly convinced that heat makes people insane. In the summer, drivers are entirely more reckless. There's also the highest level of DUI and DWI arrests in the summer months outside the holiday season. People want to go faster and preferably more shitfaced to more places in this span of time. Oh joy be for the commuter!
7. Neutral Weight Gain--I don't know about the lot of you, but something weird happens in the summer with me. I eat the same amount of food (if not more, considering grazing at picnics or parties) and yet I don't gain weight. What is my secret, you may ask? SWEATING BALLS BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE HAS NO CIRCULATION NOR AIR CONDITIONING.
8. Teenagers--They're everywhere, they're everywhere!
9. Shitty Epic Movies--It's summer, so Hollywood has the need to make more movies, and make them bigger, louder, and with less plot than ever! I think they know people are just paying the $10 for air conditioning and/or a place for them to mack with their significant other outside the glares of parental supervision. Goddamn teenagers, good thing I never was one. *sips Slurpee angrily*
10. Fiat Lux--The sun seems to never set anymore, and when it does we wish it wouldn't. Greedy fucks, now aren't we?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment