"Thanks for the dinner and a movie, Dad."
"...Kate?"
"Hm?"
"It was a Blockbuster movie and McDonalds."
"..."
"...I wouldn't exactly say we splurged."
"No, I guess not."
"You feeling alright?"
"No, not really."
"Okay, just checking. Wanna talk?"
"No, not really."
"Okay."
"...Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"Do we have any Tums?"
"In the living room."
"We really know how to live it up don't we?"
"Yeah we do!" *high fives*
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
10 Odd Conditions of Summer
1. Pets Expand--I remember seeing a Grandmother-esque t-shirt which said "Cat Thermometer" and showed a cat expanding itself depending on the degree of heat. The other day I saw my cat sprawled on the bathroom tiled floor on her back, huge white belly straight up, and all four legs sprawled in four different directions as far as they would go. She looked like a dead possum. I tried it later that day to see if it would work. It was quite uncomfortable, unhelpful in cooling me down, and my mother--somehow missing the fact her youngest daughter was sprawled dramatically across the living room rug--tripped over me and accidentally kicked me in the head. Thanks, Pididdle. Not only am I not cooled off with your system, I also have a concussion.
2. Clothes shrink--I've ranted about this before, as some of you know. Global warming is a fact: the material is disappearing from the market. People are wearing less and less and getting away with it more and more. I remain stubborn and rebellious and wear long jeans all summer, but still retain the right to complain how hot it is. That's just how I roll.
3. Shoes melt--Really? Really, shoe companies? You haven't yet created a sustainable and cheap rubber that can survive more than 90 degree heat waves? Are you cheap or stupid? That's really the only options to explain this oversight. Although it does amuse me that Air Jordan Jr. pays $240 for a pair of sneakers and wakes up the day of a severe heat wave to find that they melt like butter. It makes the commerical snob in me giggle evilly.
4. Frying eggs on the sidewalk--What is the point? Who will eat these eggs? Did the chicks get aborted just so you could prove that it's hot as an ass-crack outside? That egg was for eating, not for meteorological statements. It's a waste of an aborted chicken. Eat the damn egg off the sidewalk or don't do it at all
5. Mind Melt--I remember being little and watching movies in my parents' room with my mother. She hated the heat almost as much as I do now and use to complain about everything being "too hot" to do. My personal favorites were "stop it! It's too hot to (sigh, breathe, laugh, sweat, scratch bug bites, cry, argue with your mother)!" On the opposite spectrum, heat can simply make people active but in the wrong ways. FACT: In New York in 1988, the temperature hovered above 90°F for 32 days. In that time, the murder rate increased by 75%. Figures.
6. Insane Driving--I'm thoroughly convinced that heat makes people insane. In the summer, drivers are entirely more reckless. There's also the highest level of DUI and DWI arrests in the summer months outside the holiday season. People want to go faster and preferably more shitfaced to more places in this span of time. Oh joy be for the commuter!
7. Neutral Weight Gain--I don't know about the lot of you, but something weird happens in the summer with me. I eat the same amount of food (if not more, considering grazing at picnics or parties) and yet I don't gain weight. What is my secret, you may ask? SWEATING BALLS BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE HAS NO CIRCULATION NOR AIR CONDITIONING.
8. Teenagers--They're everywhere, they're everywhere!
9. Shitty Epic Movies--It's summer, so Hollywood has the need to make more movies, and make them bigger, louder, and with less plot than ever! I think they know people are just paying the $10 for air conditioning and/or a place for them to mack with their significant other outside the glares of parental supervision. Goddamn teenagers, good thing I never was one. *sips Slurpee angrily*
10. Fiat Lux--The sun seems to never set anymore, and when it does we wish it wouldn't. Greedy fucks, now aren't we?
2. Clothes shrink--I've ranted about this before, as some of you know. Global warming is a fact: the material is disappearing from the market. People are wearing less and less and getting away with it more and more. I remain stubborn and rebellious and wear long jeans all summer, but still retain the right to complain how hot it is. That's just how I roll.
3. Shoes melt--Really? Really, shoe companies? You haven't yet created a sustainable and cheap rubber that can survive more than 90 degree heat waves? Are you cheap or stupid? That's really the only options to explain this oversight. Although it does amuse me that Air Jordan Jr. pays $240 for a pair of sneakers and wakes up the day of a severe heat wave to find that they melt like butter. It makes the commerical snob in me giggle evilly.
4. Frying eggs on the sidewalk--What is the point? Who will eat these eggs? Did the chicks get aborted just so you could prove that it's hot as an ass-crack outside? That egg was for eating, not for meteorological statements. It's a waste of an aborted chicken. Eat the damn egg off the sidewalk or don't do it at all
5. Mind Melt--I remember being little and watching movies in my parents' room with my mother. She hated the heat almost as much as I do now and use to complain about everything being "too hot" to do. My personal favorites were "stop it! It's too hot to (sigh, breathe, laugh, sweat, scratch bug bites, cry, argue with your mother)!" On the opposite spectrum, heat can simply make people active but in the wrong ways. FACT: In New York in 1988, the temperature hovered above 90°F for 32 days. In that time, the murder rate increased by 75%. Figures.
6. Insane Driving--I'm thoroughly convinced that heat makes people insane. In the summer, drivers are entirely more reckless. There's also the highest level of DUI and DWI arrests in the summer months outside the holiday season. People want to go faster and preferably more shitfaced to more places in this span of time. Oh joy be for the commuter!
7. Neutral Weight Gain--I don't know about the lot of you, but something weird happens in the summer with me. I eat the same amount of food (if not more, considering grazing at picnics or parties) and yet I don't gain weight. What is my secret, you may ask? SWEATING BALLS BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE HAS NO CIRCULATION NOR AIR CONDITIONING.
8. Teenagers--They're everywhere, they're everywhere!
9. Shitty Epic Movies--It's summer, so Hollywood has the need to make more movies, and make them bigger, louder, and with less plot than ever! I think they know people are just paying the $10 for air conditioning and/or a place for them to mack with their significant other outside the glares of parental supervision. Goddamn teenagers, good thing I never was one. *sips Slurpee angrily*
10. Fiat Lux--The sun seems to never set anymore, and when it does we wish it wouldn't. Greedy fucks, now aren't we?
Monday, June 28, 2010
BP Oil Spill and 2012
How can a country, nay--a world--function with so many rich morons running it? *shakes head slowly* I use to be cynical *insert shocked gasp* about 2012, but the more I see how things are progressing, the more I'm convinced we're all royally fucked.
For example:
The Sun: In two years, it's estimated that the sun will project severe solar flares that can very well knock out satellites and destroy communication, even power, around the world for a significant period of time. If this happens, I'm camping out for a couple years.
(http://www.upi.com/Science_News/2010/06/25/Report-Solar-flares-could-cripple-country/UPI-85501277486736/)
US vs. Eurasia: Enough said
BP Oil Spill: Dead birds, fish, and no more shrimp for the foreseeable future? FML.
And finally: http://www.palin4pres2012.com/
However, my dad had a most excellent point about the Mayan prediction for the end of the world being in 2012:
"The Mayans, huh? Alright, answer me this: if they knew so much, how come they didn't see the conquistadors coming? And for that matter, how come none of them are left? Hmm? HMMM?"
Touche, dad. Touche.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Connecticut Importations
My apologies ladies and gents, for I have neglected you these past few weeks in favor of more pressing matters. You may be wondering, what does an unemployed, dependent, and royally pathetic art kid have in terms of important business? Well, I'll tell you. I was doing interviews for jobs I ended up not getting. HaHA! Yeah no, I know that's sad, but look at the bright side: I'm able to write to you about totally random crap again!
Speaking of, I've come to a conclusion that the State of Connecticut, despite the economic crisis, has such a swollen budget we've started to import our populations. My friend Dri use to say that it's such a monochromatic state we probably import our minorities. It wouldn't surprise me. But now, I have proof that CT Importations is a real thing:
I went to a lakeside beach with friends a couple days ago. It was a beautiful early summer day--baby blue skies, wispy clouds, and a cool breeze grazed the hillsides. It was absolutely perfect! We went swimming for well over an hour and then it caught our notice that a large crowd of people were swimming from the landing on the opposite shore to the beach where we were. There had to have been at least two dozen of them. It wasn't until the Normandy beach landing concluded that we noticed they were all lifeguards in training. Upon closer examination by swimming in the shallows--rather blatant in our gape mouthed stares, but we honestly couldn't give a fuck at that point--they were all extraordinarily good looking...with the exception of one hairy-backed fat guy and a gangly blond with horse teeth. And on even closer investigation--by this point we looked more like walruses making their way up the beach--they were all British.
Wait, wait, wait...why are two dozen Brits training to be lifeguards in Northwestern CT? YOU LIVE ON AN ISLAND for fucks sake, there should be enough water around for you to practice life guarding. Need a lake? Head north and ask the Scottish for a Loch, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. And why is everyone good looking? Did they wrangle the only hot residing civilians in England to be the ambassadors of British lifesavers in America? And for that matter, why did you pick CT to train? Why not MA, NY, NH, NJ, or ME?
My theory? CT is so presumptuous and spoiled that we've actually started to import European lifeguards because ripped local jail bait is simply not qualification enough to save our lives. This makes me wonder though: why do lifeguards have to be good looking? Okay, sure they're in their bathing suits all the time, they are going to be looked at a lot being they're the authority figure, and they have to be athletic. But really? We're honestly not going to care when we have a couple pints of lake or sea water in our lungs and are about to become fish food in the most literal sense. We will not give a fuck who saves us so long as someone does. But then again, that's just my opinion.
Coincidentally, I will be back to the lake hopefully soon. *innocent look* What?! I like the water! It has nothing to do with English lifeguards. Nope. Not at all.
Speaking of, I've come to a conclusion that the State of Connecticut, despite the economic crisis, has such a swollen budget we've started to import our populations. My friend Dri use to say that it's such a monochromatic state we probably import our minorities. It wouldn't surprise me. But now, I have proof that CT Importations is a real thing:
I went to a lakeside beach with friends a couple days ago. It was a beautiful early summer day--baby blue skies, wispy clouds, and a cool breeze grazed the hillsides. It was absolutely perfect! We went swimming for well over an hour and then it caught our notice that a large crowd of people were swimming from the landing on the opposite shore to the beach where we were. There had to have been at least two dozen of them. It wasn't until the Normandy beach landing concluded that we noticed they were all lifeguards in training. Upon closer examination by swimming in the shallows--rather blatant in our gape mouthed stares, but we honestly couldn't give a fuck at that point--they were all extraordinarily good looking...with the exception of one hairy-backed fat guy and a gangly blond with horse teeth. And on even closer investigation--by this point we looked more like walruses making their way up the beach--they were all British.
Wait, wait, wait...why are two dozen Brits training to be lifeguards in Northwestern CT? YOU LIVE ON AN ISLAND for fucks sake, there should be enough water around for you to practice life guarding. Need a lake? Head north and ask the Scottish for a Loch, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. And why is everyone good looking? Did they wrangle the only hot residing civilians in England to be the ambassadors of British lifesavers in America? And for that matter, why did you pick CT to train? Why not MA, NY, NH, NJ, or ME?
My theory? CT is so presumptuous and spoiled that we've actually started to import European lifeguards because ripped local jail bait is simply not qualification enough to save our lives. This makes me wonder though: why do lifeguards have to be good looking? Okay, sure they're in their bathing suits all the time, they are going to be looked at a lot being they're the authority figure, and they have to be athletic. But really? We're honestly not going to care when we have a couple pints of lake or sea water in our lungs and are about to become fish food in the most literal sense. We will not give a fuck who saves us so long as someone does. But then again, that's just my opinion.
Coincidentally, I will be back to the lake hopefully soon. *innocent look* What?! I like the water! It has nothing to do with English lifeguards. Nope. Not at all.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The Shrinkage Phenomenon: A Growing Epidemic
It was someone, I forget whom, that said global warming was a total fact and if you didn’t believe it, take a good look at the evolution of fashion in the past 50 years. It’s disappearing at a rapid rate, and something needs to be done!
I’m sure there are guys out there whimpering in protest, saying no! Keep it shrinking; we see nothing wrong with it. Did I say it was women’s’ clothing alone that is shrinking? No. Gentlemen, you are in just as much danger of this epidemic as we are and we’re generally not so keen on seeing as much as you are.
I first considered this when I sat in a diner for dinner the other night with my father during the first 90+-degree day of the summer. It was insufferably hot after a month of sixty-degree days, but fortunately the restaurant was air-conditioned. As we sat in our booth, enjoying salads and sandwiches, a couple in their late sixties came in and sat at the booth across from us. I kid not when I insist that the aging gentlemen was wearing severely cut off jean shorts—to the point of nearly seeing a turkey neck short—and a tank top that said “No Fat Chicks” on it, while the portly woman whom accompanied him (which I found slightly ironic) wore a cut off tank top (insert shudder here) and a jean skirt which I wouldn’t wish to see worn by even the tiniest of super models. It was so painful it was comical and it took even my best efforts to keep my eyes glued to my turkey club rather than the car crash sitting at the both beside us. If Versace were alive he’d want himself shot all over again.
You may contest that this one…unfortunate incident is isolated, and as any scientist and underpaid stoned out science teacher would contest that you need multiple instances of a singular result in order to form a proper theory. Agreed, so go to New York City in the summer and you’ll know shrinkage is not just for the older country couple. Everyone in summer is very close to losing it all…so to speak. It just seems that the elder country couple took a hint from the fashionistas and we all must suffer for it.
Here are a few more examples of the shrinkage phenomenon, with my thoughts:
Speedos. No one needs them besides Michael Phelps…oh wait! HE DOESN’T EVEN NEED THEM ANYMORE! STOP WEARING THEM! WE DON’T NEED TO SEE THE SHRINKAGE OF MR. HAPPY, TOO! Good Christ, I swear that the only people who wear them are fat fifty year olds, ugly Europeans, and fat and ugly fifty-year-old Europeans. It’s tragic. Also, I know bikinis have been big for some time, but even they have suffered due to the weather. Either that, or fabric has become a precious commodity. Ladies? If you have to root your bikini out of yourself—and I mean need an excavation crew with some C4 kind of rooting—constantly when you’re wearing it, it may be a sign of one or more of the following:
a)You’re single
b)You’ve gained a bit of weight since last summer and may need to take some time to get back to being the best you can look before attempting a beach expedition with that suit again.
c)It’s not your fault. Global warming is to blame.
Thongs. Oh lord. Skip the foreplay, guys and gals, and just go commando. I know many people just nickname them butt floss, which is pretty accurate, don’t get me wrong. But they kind of remind me of the arrows on airport runways. You know what I’m talking about? The kind that direct the pilot where to stick his machinery? Yeah, kind of like that, since it’s most likely with the girls who wear them that it’s a pretty accurate description…*looks around at the appalled faces* What?! Oh, don’t even try to tell me people who own thongs aren’t by probability sexually active, if not promiscuous! Now you’re just being naïve! On a related note, STOP BUYING THONGS FOR YOUR TWEENS! If you do, then make sure it’s an Everlast brand and has a padlock in the front.
Shrinkage, people, and it’s only getting worse. It’s absolutely terrifying when people are desperately clinging to the scraps of fabric that remain in the world that the fashion magnets distribute cynically to the masses. Perhaps they are testing us? Seeing how little fabric they need to use to make us happy? I didn’t realize we were rationing, but apparently we are. I’m clinging wholeheartedly to my long t-shirt and worn jeans in terror, hoping that they, too, will not be victimized.
Global warming is not a myth: fight the heat or soon we’ll all be naked and confused in some warped version of a worldwide morning after!
I’m sure there are guys out there whimpering in protest, saying no! Keep it shrinking; we see nothing wrong with it. Did I say it was women’s’ clothing alone that is shrinking? No. Gentlemen, you are in just as much danger of this epidemic as we are and we’re generally not so keen on seeing as much as you are.
I first considered this when I sat in a diner for dinner the other night with my father during the first 90+-degree day of the summer. It was insufferably hot after a month of sixty-degree days, but fortunately the restaurant was air-conditioned. As we sat in our booth, enjoying salads and sandwiches, a couple in their late sixties came in and sat at the booth across from us. I kid not when I insist that the aging gentlemen was wearing severely cut off jean shorts—to the point of nearly seeing a turkey neck short—and a tank top that said “No Fat Chicks” on it, while the portly woman whom accompanied him (which I found slightly ironic) wore a cut off tank top (insert shudder here) and a jean skirt which I wouldn’t wish to see worn by even the tiniest of super models. It was so painful it was comical and it took even my best efforts to keep my eyes glued to my turkey club rather than the car crash sitting at the both beside us. If Versace were alive he’d want himself shot all over again.
You may contest that this one…unfortunate incident is isolated, and as any scientist and underpaid stoned out science teacher would contest that you need multiple instances of a singular result in order to form a proper theory. Agreed, so go to New York City in the summer and you’ll know shrinkage is not just for the older country couple. Everyone in summer is very close to losing it all…so to speak. It just seems that the elder country couple took a hint from the fashionistas and we all must suffer for it.
Here are a few more examples of the shrinkage phenomenon, with my thoughts:
Speedos. No one needs them besides Michael Phelps…oh wait! HE DOESN’T EVEN NEED THEM ANYMORE! STOP WEARING THEM! WE DON’T NEED TO SEE THE SHRINKAGE OF MR. HAPPY, TOO! Good Christ, I swear that the only people who wear them are fat fifty year olds, ugly Europeans, and fat and ugly fifty-year-old Europeans. It’s tragic. Also, I know bikinis have been big for some time, but even they have suffered due to the weather. Either that, or fabric has become a precious commodity. Ladies? If you have to root your bikini out of yourself—and I mean need an excavation crew with some C4 kind of rooting—constantly when you’re wearing it, it may be a sign of one or more of the following:
a)You’re single
b)You’ve gained a bit of weight since last summer and may need to take some time to get back to being the best you can look before attempting a beach expedition with that suit again.
c)It’s not your fault. Global warming is to blame.
Thongs. Oh lord. Skip the foreplay, guys and gals, and just go commando. I know many people just nickname them butt floss, which is pretty accurate, don’t get me wrong. But they kind of remind me of the arrows on airport runways. You know what I’m talking about? The kind that direct the pilot where to stick his machinery? Yeah, kind of like that, since it’s most likely with the girls who wear them that it’s a pretty accurate description…*looks around at the appalled faces* What?! Oh, don’t even try to tell me people who own thongs aren’t by probability sexually active, if not promiscuous! Now you’re just being naïve! On a related note, STOP BUYING THONGS FOR YOUR TWEENS! If you do, then make sure it’s an Everlast brand and has a padlock in the front.
Shrinkage, people, and it’s only getting worse. It’s absolutely terrifying when people are desperately clinging to the scraps of fabric that remain in the world that the fashion magnets distribute cynically to the masses. Perhaps they are testing us? Seeing how little fabric they need to use to make us happy? I didn’t realize we were rationing, but apparently we are. I’m clinging wholeheartedly to my long t-shirt and worn jeans in terror, hoping that they, too, will not be victimized.
Global warming is not a myth: fight the heat or soon we’ll all be naked and confused in some warped version of a worldwide morning after!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Passing Ponders: Go Handi-Carts, Go!
Question: Is it terribly wicked of me to want to hotwire the handicap carts that the supermarket--you know, the ones on the bike kind of things?--so that they go really really fast? I know it probably is, but can you imagine peoples' surprise when they get in these assistance carts and end up zooming around the store at 30-40mph? Some might not appreciate it, true...but you never know. Some may get a kick out of speed shopping! :D
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Junk Food for Thought: Bouncy Castle Catastrophe
BOUNCY CASTLE CATASTROPHE
I was riding home the other day and was passed by a truck carrying inflatable bouncy castles. It made me wonder—what would happen if the truck got into an accident? The following are answers provided by the CSC (Casually Sarcastic Crew):
TEDDY: EXTREME AIRBAG!!!
SPLUCAS: A bunch of neighborhood BBQ’s get a whole lot more interesting…or death and destruction.
KITTEH: A whole lotta fun!
RED: The cops & firemen at the scene have a party
C.S: That’s quite an image—the driver running around while firemen and police jump in the bouncy castles in their socks and squealing like little kids…
RED: Totally realistic.
JOURNEY: That’s not funny, dude. My brother died in a ball pit and I have a thing about inflatables!
C.S. Really?!
JOURNEY: …no. I’m totally fucking with you.
C.S. …really?
JOURNEY: …yes.
C.S. I’m confused.
JOURNEY: …good.
MARGARITA: I don’t know, but there is going to be some sad 3-year olds at their b-day.
LLAMA: IT WOULD ONLY BE THE BEST DAY EVER!
HAN: Why the hell are you asking me this???
Note: The Casual Sarcastic does not condone or promote tragedy. It just happens. The best we can do is laugh at life. If we can’t laugh, life would be a whole lot harder to live. Trust me.
I was riding home the other day and was passed by a truck carrying inflatable bouncy castles. It made me wonder—what would happen if the truck got into an accident? The following are answers provided by the CSC (Casually Sarcastic Crew):
TEDDY: EXTREME AIRBAG!!!
SPLUCAS: A bunch of neighborhood BBQ’s get a whole lot more interesting…or death and destruction.
KITTEH: A whole lotta fun!
RED: The cops & firemen at the scene have a party
C.S: That’s quite an image—the driver running around while firemen and police jump in the bouncy castles in their socks and squealing like little kids…
RED: Totally realistic.
JOURNEY: That’s not funny, dude. My brother died in a ball pit and I have a thing about inflatables!
C.S. Really?!
JOURNEY: …no. I’m totally fucking with you.
C.S. …really?
JOURNEY: …yes.
C.S. I’m confused.
JOURNEY: …good.
MARGARITA: I don’t know, but there is going to be some sad 3-year olds at their b-day.
LLAMA: IT WOULD ONLY BE THE BEST DAY EVER!
HAN: Why the hell are you asking me this???
Note: The Casual Sarcastic does not condone or promote tragedy. It just happens. The best we can do is laugh at life. If we can’t laugh, life would be a whole lot harder to live. Trust me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)